Monday, March 21, 2011

to/from a former anarcho-communist friend from santa cruz

so how's life sucking up to your wannabe-cop friends? or did you ever get to taste the joys of being 'accountable'? more specifically, accountable for the combination of your perspective on hierarchy and your relation to those who would usurp it. or maybe, since their goal was to silence me and us, they never read the blog and you got to continue your weaselly, brown-nosing existence among them?

well actually i heard they pretty much collapsed the student movement and particularly anti-authoritarian involvement in it, so i hope you feel good about your role in that.

well, enjoy the radiation plume coming your way. civilization sends its regards.

you are a fucking joke and i hate you almost more than all the rest of them.

also think about how much i would have loved sending you all up to the feds if i wasn't so sure that they were behind what happened to me in the first place. you don't even know whose pawns you are, do you? and for the sake of your self-righteousness you revel in that ignorance.

Dear individual I once knew,

As I no longer live in that god-forsaken town, I have no idea what is happening there. As you know my hermit-like existence, I do not associate with most of the people from last year except my close group of friends who I've known over the years. The whole situation is now a distant memory for me, but I assume for you, with your callous words and resentment, still persists. Your words brings pain to what we once had, as a friendship based upon something more tangible than anything having to do with the rotting foundations of culture, social life, or any of that nonsense. I'm sure you know this.

But let us remember, that these times are confusing, as we are all "like lost children" as you had once proclaimed -- this is an entirely new situation, one which no one is prepared for. Our ways of reacting and acting within them just shows the complete poverty of our experience. At this point in time, I believe that we can blame society, blame civilization, blame whoever, whatever, whenever. I believe we do live in an era of betrayal. You have been betrayed, one who was once a respected voice, or at least one whose steadfastness alarmed and "turned off" other people. But don't let it turn you into a terrible soul, don't lose yourself over this. I do think its possible for a soul to become forever lost, irreversibly damaged within this world, such as the various drug addicts, socialite-bohemians, people who've gone crazy, and whatnot. I do not know what your situation is like now, perhaps you indeed are lost, or maybe this is what you feel, I do not know.

The events that had unfolded after did not cause the collapse of the student movement. The student movement was already in decline, and what occurred was an expression of the untenability of what we were pursuing within the confines of the student identity, something we can both agree on, I am presuming. What was unique was our initiative within it, and our attempt to constitute ourselves beyond the university struggle.

The hysteria about radiation plumes, and the confusion of what exactly going to happen is quite hilarious. These experts and their wild predictions, while may be true, only confuses the situation. Consider how much 'radiation' or whatever, that you are receiving just being in front of a computer all the time, along with all the cell phone towers, and electrical waves that have been passing through all of us since we were born, the consequences of which we have yet to see. While it is horrible, and civilization is imploding, I believe such reactions are distractions from the real root of the matter and its potential resolution becomes even more ambiguous. If I get radiation poisoning, so be it.

As for the involvement of the feds, why are you even mentioning this? Why?

You "hate" me. I do not hate you. I will not reciprocate, if that is indeed what you desire. I just harbor great sadness and despair for all of us; we live during a time of utter damnation.


dear whoever,

there are those who have spoken of the necessary intermingling of
cruelty and care, and i think you have shown this in the words you
wrote as well as the fact that you simply had anything to say back to
me at all. to be perfect honest i always really respected you and
enjoyed your company and thoughts and i was very hurt by your
betrayal. so for whatever is pleasing or bitter about this i
appreciate all of it.

well - for starters, so much of which i had hoped to convey to you you
already knew. and perhaps i was so hurt by your comment that i "always
was right" because it hit such a nerve. but you know what, it was only
one of a great number of nerves i was being struck by at that moment
and was having a very hysterical, paranoid and incredibly angry
reaction towards hitting anyone else's nerves were within reach.

somehow the lack of solidarity from people like you, [etc], all the people that i felt we had forged such bonds of
trust and love with... well, it was worse in some ways than all the
slander and attempted torture perpetrated by the half-witted children
rallying behind half-understood accusations - and all the nightmares
and all the daily fears about the threat to my future that such
accusations ensue.

so i don't know if you think i'm crazy. i have definitely taken a
decisive turn towards nihilism and misanthropy. or not even that as
much as total indifference. i have given up on ideologies, they are
never anything but the mortars of politics. i can see so deep with
math and logic, i can also in some ways see no farther than my own
material existence and my loyalty to my family and the valley i grew
up in, in other ways, everything makes a lot more sense to me.

but yeah, you know, and i know, that i was really preoccupied with
being right, and that i was really badly fucked over in a completely
bullshit and unfair and politically motivated way, and no not that i
was the cause of the decline of the student movement, but both a cause
and symptom of its peaking, both a symptom and victim of its decline.

"all friendship is political", indeed. all friendship or the lack
thereof, as is more usually the case. i look back at history - i see
nothing but hundreds of years of so called revolutionaries being
recuperated by every generation of innovative bosses. i imagine the
future, who is to say there is anything different coming. who is to
say i should hold myself responsible like all the other middle class
children who used to flagellate themselves by squatting and eating
garbage, who maybe in a later era, would be just as comfortable
setting themselves (and their children) up as inquisitors to judge the
next realization of heresy...

also, why mention the feds - why not?
do you not even care whose pawn you might have been? because i have
considered the same, and i think we were all pawns in a much bigger
game and the reason is that we involved ourselves in any kind of
politics whatsoever. such a fucking egotistical, bad idea.