Monday, October 25, 2010

FUCK YOU ALL.

each time i hear from any of my friends on the west coast it's followed by a longer and longer pause. and i can't help but wonder. the more paranoid thought, probably inaccurate but hard to shake with the wild sense of terror that has wormed its way firmly into my brain at this point in my life (you know, that you might as well be terrified because there is no proof that things in that universe don't always simply tend to be a lot worse than you'd feared): have they caved in to the groupthink with me? being part of a scene, swept up in a crowd, i know how easy it is. then again maybe not. the other thought is that maybe it's just too sad. maybe it's that we no longer have anything to talk about but these awful things, neither of us really want to. but i don't have many other people to talk to or much else to talk about.

i spent what could have been the best years of my life in a pathetic, don quixote-esque quest for utopia - or whatever you want to call it. all i got in return was a police record, some bruises, a bad reputation, bad tattoos, probably a damaged liver. everything else seems to be gone. i thought the world would catch me if i jumped; that was when i was too naive to realize it would be full of polluted waters, sharp obstacles, hard-to-escape eddies.

and now i'm washed up back where i was a decade ago, only i'm not the same person, only i don't have anyone to talk to about it. can you sort of picture what i mean? it's like being shipwrecked, marooned and partly amnesiac, this sense of dislocation with regard to time, space and experience. but it's not true, really. because there is also anger and hate and fear and betrayal and a deep deep sadness and i try to not think about it all. i wind up with very little to think about, staring off into the nothingness of a tv screen. except the sadness and the fear seep through, they fill my dreams and the space behind my waking thoughts.

i used to obsess constantly, like i said. now i'm getting better at walling it off. sometimes the door bursts off or i open it and today this thought rushed out at me. i don't know why i never followed this train of thought before, and i wonder if it occurred to you or anyone else. hear me out first before you decide i'm crazy. listen, the feds have a very well-documented history of infiltrating and disrupting radical groups and social movements. we're talking about programs run by people who have spent longer analyzing radical milieus than most people actually spend in them (late teens to mid-20s at most, usually). they at least have an objective approach to the social dynamics: how do they work and how to break them down? while people within them can be utterly blinded by social commitments. case in point, in the wild and violent years of the 60s and 70s infiltrators' favorite tactic was to finger radicals as informants themselves, to sow fear and provoke conflicts and divisions. i'm sure they know by now that while this kind of accusation is now taken very seriously, and not usually accepted without some form of proof, 99% of radicals take all accusations of sexism/rape/'assault'/etc at face value as part of their ideological stance.

i'm not saying this is entirely where the attack on me came from but i think it could explain some of the more utterly ridiculous lies going around about me. consider how i could have become such a target, or rather how santa cruz could have become a target. obviously, the radical scenes are entirely capable of generating their own controversies, the leftists and identity-politicians are well-known for grandstanding on them, and again, the feds know that. for example a similar and very bitter controversy marked the beginning of the end of the militant green anarchist scene in eugene in the early 00s. meanwhile santa cruz in a way became the new eugene, long before the occupations and may day, with its anarchist smashings, its animal rights arsons, rowdy campus protests threatening important investments, anarchists actually gaining some kind of social traction in the town, etc etc. we all know the feds have been around, in uniform, breaking down people's doors and such. but they don't always do their work in such an obvious way. anyone can spread a fucking rumor and if it involves a man being 'fucked up' in some sexual way, once again, the vast majority of college-age radical types will consider themselves honor bound to spread it unquestioningly.

it's really hard for me to know that even the people who like me and believe in me can't really be friends with me because this has polluted everything. it's hard to know that some of those people still hang around with people who used to be my friends, like tasha to name one specific example, who don't have anything to say to me but apparently are down with those little nazis that jumped me.

i don't really know what else to say. i wish i felt supported and safe. unfortunately the only person in the world who makes me feel that way is x. it's like i have to shut this door on this whole huge part of my life, and pray that i can keep it shut. there is such an embittering feeling of waste and uselessness about it all, it's hard to describe.

--

Maus, I don't believe the women who organized against abusive men are
cops, "leftists" or extreme. They organized to talk about systemic
conditions of male dominance in the scene/friend group. From that
perspective, specific people moreso than others can really tear apart
people's lives and friendships. You were targeted as one of those people.
From their perspective you are as good as a cop because you reinforced
the patriarchal concept of womens' vulnerability in your relationships. It
sounds like you disagree and say that because they took measures of
protection that they are cops/as good as cops. But what seems odd when
you say this is that when women were acting against you, you used the cops
to threaten them--reaffirming their belief that you would use systems of
patriarchal authority to keep women in line. To be honest, if it were
towards anyone I didn't know/like well I wouldn't need second thoughts.
(example: you were popular in the scene, and the women who personally
didn't like you thought of you as a dude-archist. when they collected and
all had these feelings from women's perspectives, there wasn't much on
your side).

Please do fun things and don't watch TV. I was watching a bad David Bowie
movie, I quote him: 'you can watch TV for hours and see all about life on
this planet, but never learn anything' i stopped watching there (it
sucked).

Also to be honest, the people who organized collectively were my friends
and I intend to still be on good terms with them. I hear more and more of
people's accounts with you, and the stories aren't fun ones. When you
aggressively pose your point of view, and use peoples' emails to support
you (such as x with a poorly analyzed idea of the gender and
power dynamics in the group) people tend to hate you more. It's both the
content: of denying that women should organize the way they do, and the
form of doing so: aggressive, ad-hominem, etc)

I don't want to write public letters supporting you--I can't because I
can't support the way you've defended yourself since everything happened.
I think if you want people to support you, you're going to have to show
that you can communicate, that you can be responsible, that you can and
always do practice consent. (It became public that you admitted not
verifying consent 100% of the time on your blog). I don't know if the
people who dislike you now will always dislike you, but if there was a
mistake, I don't forsee any resolution until you and they are able to talk
again. Yelling through blog posts isn't really talking. I would suggest
making friends who are willing to be friends with you and work through
issues of rape and dudearchy, and not side with people who dismiss
accusations of rape. I suggest not getting on the bad sides of women,
queers, transfolk, etc, which means interacting privately and publicly in
ways that foster rather than break up community. I suggest eventually
issuing apologies & accept responsibility. (even if you don't think it
was your fault, you still have to deal with the consequences of
miscommunication or real violence attributed to you). I suggest all these
because if you're looking for people to be on the same side as you, you
should be looking at the people who take issue with you, not the
peripheries (not me, not a handfull of people who are/were on the fence
about militancy in women's organizing). I suggest this because if you do
not want to always be afraid of people coming to wherever you are to stomp
your head in, then you need to make amends with people who were offended.
They won't back down until there is some change in your attitude and it's
publicly known.

You really can't run away from problems you're a part of anymore. this is
the fucking internet era.

It's true, we tend to only talk about shitty things that happened. But I
care about my friends. I want to care about you, but it's hard hearing
how you've impacted them. This was really rambly, sorry.

And do fun things seriously, even if its just exercising and feeling good
that way. Things could have been a lot worse, ie permanent damage like
broken legs or something or jailtime if they weren't as direct. You're in
a better situation than you could have been. Start working from there.
Let me know if you think my ideas aren't accurate. I think you should
start from the earliest people you have (or are involved in) fucked up
socially/emotionally if you want your life condition to be different than
what sounds like constant mortal fear of the 'crazy bitch'.

peace

--

i more or less expected this: that you've bowed to the pc regime dominant in your scene and your town. whatever.

as of my threat of calling the cops, it wasn't really *my* threat because the people involved were tying me with a chair with intent to torture me, you know, YOUR FRIENDS, who i had attempted to communicate with. after angela yonker was done pounding me in the face, you know, that woman who i had repeatedly tried to communicate with about how she felt about our interaction. yeah, i am a monster with no interest in accountability, if you believe them. yeah fucking right.

this was a political hit and no doubt about it. look who motivated it: angela and kyle, olivia, a bunch of fucking stalinists in their own words.

fuck them all and honestly fuck everyone who tries to escape their guilt about middle class privilege by attaching themselves to "radical" politics. fuck politics in general and fuck everyone who claims to be "organizing against" the general shittiness of modern life by creating mirror images of the dominant systems of oppression. but honestly that's all politics is, has ever been, is capitalizing off of images of identity (formed through affirmation or through oppression) and getting people to follow you and destroy your enemies. i predicted for months that reformists/leninists like olivia spelled doom for the student movement, and look what happened after mayday, when it crossed the line out of campus protest into actual revolutionary social movement.

look at your own tendency to drop out of the scene...

although i guess you've dropped back in, made "peace" with the group mind. good for you. i don't really want a damn thing to do with anyone who can't think for theirself and who spouts rhetoric and jargon. you are wrong, by the way, that i can't get away. i spent a great deal of energy getting involved with these funky little radical scenes. they see themselves as tremendously influential, but barely mean shit in the big picture. i live in a ghetto now and none of your precious little politicized, humanities major, middle class lily white friends would probably feel comfortable within 5 miles of where i spend most of my time.

anyway given that your'e still reading by this point, which i would imagine is highly unlikely, i would have thought the extremely fucked up and unnecessary way that they went about settling "their grievances" should have tipped you off that they were yet another bunch of spoiled brat, thrill seeking, self righteous assholes addicted to delusions of their own grandeur. if you expect me to see it some other way, you are talking to the wrong fucking person. you are talking to someone who wasn't nearly tied to a chair and tortured after making every good faith effort to communicate, to be accountable, and to settle differences with a bunch of orange county stuck up fucktards with delusions of grandeur, no ability to have a single real conversation like adults and no idea about real life. i think they're pathetic and i think so are you if you side with them.

and frankly all that aside i don't want anything to do with anyone affiliated in any way whatsoever with any "radical subculture". aside from feeling distinctly, as they like to say, "unsafe", it reminds me simply that i wasted years of my life being an utterly predictable, politicized, sensitive middle class radical 20-something. i hope you recognize that what all of you are doing is just what radical students have always done, is the same thing that brought lenin to power, is simply more grist in the mill of this civilization. if you care so much about revolution, read a fucking book and get a fucking grip. i don't have anything more to say to you and yours because i don't care about your fake utopia, and i just want to go on and have a normal, safe, sane and stable life, close to my family and to the partner that i love.

if you are really my friend that's one thing... if not, keep your politics and yourself far the fuck away from me, good luck feeling awesome about yourself, since that's really the whole point, isn't it.

also for christ's sake about threatening to call the cops, it got those cowardly assholes unnecessarily got up in ski masks (since i recognized nearly every one of them) to fucking leave. what happens when you traumatize, brutalize and torture someone? do you think that it really brings their best possible self to the fore? is that what olivia and her followers think? if so, how stupid are you all, really? don't you think if i wanted to snitch i would have already gone out and said a lot more about who they all are, where they live, where they work, where they go to school and what they were all doing during the occupations? give me a fucking break. you know i wouldn't do that and so do they. and i suspect they trust my anti-authoritarian principles BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHY THEY TARGETED ME.

"measures of protection"? can you honestly describe kindapping, lynch mob violence and attempted torture as that? fucking kill yourself if that's what you really believe.

and you want me to rewrite the past. that i "can and always have practiced consent". for christ's sake who invented this standard? if you are not 100% perfect at all times and in all situations you will be beaten and tortured. what about the fact that angela yonker brought me to her dorm room when we were both fucking wasted? it seems like my gender is the only thing that convicts me in this case. so where is this perfect person you are talking about? who has never done anything remotely wrong? no, it's really not about that! it's about my politics and about my standing as a convenient scapegoat and i think you fucking know it.

and i can't believe you think you can really make me believe i am really the only one responsible for this. i think your blatant embrace of groupthink says more than any of your mincing, equivocating little words would.

maybe i should forward these to the stalinist radical women and see what they have to think about you and your unorthodoxy.