Tuesday, October 26, 2010

About David Benterou

yep, he was the interlocutor in the last emails posted here (2 posts below).

he was the one who wrote a number of the email texts quoted earlier, such as the one where he described angela yonker's partner kyle thomas as an abusive personality and fantasized about cutting his bike tires.

here's the last thing i had to say to him or to any of you all, and i would add the note: fuck you all, grow up, i don't want anything to do with any of you, period, because you are hypocritical, self-righteous liars.

you know i think it's just plain funny, you think i should be glad i didn't get charged legally by angela yonker who had no point to make and no proof to offer (other words why wasn't there a public discussion of this point?), while it's a point against me and k that there was a threat to call the cops. as if i'm to be held responsible, in other, more fashionable words, "accountable", for something i never did, while those who actually did something (assault, kidnapping and attempted torture) are to be excused prima facie. it's almost as if - excuse me for making this incredible revelation, based on your last emails - but it's almost as if you take RHETORIC more seriously than you take REALITY!

of course, you thought i should make a public apology and account myself to the tender mercies of the "radical community". as if i didn't try that already and as if we didn't both know what happened to me then! it's funny, again, how your facility with rhetoric renders what ACTUALLY HAPPENED into nonexistence, and what never happened, into some semblance of existence.

i know you're a big believer in self-defense and "radical women's totally justified self-protective maneuvers", well, good luck defending yourself when olivia and her followers know what you said about them!!

have fun with existing in a mental fog, maybe it's the only place you'll be able to exist if they beat you senseless.

you don't get it do you? i'm not one of you anymore. i am only looking out for me. with friends like you, who fucking needs friends?

david benterou's email is peterfuckingpan@riseup.net

Monday, October 25, 2010

correspondence with a working class radical

thanks very much man. i always thought the same of you as well.

i have emphatically quit radical politics. i gave it years of my life and all it gave me was bruises, a police record and a bad reputation. not fair but then again, that's life. really i'm mostly just embarrassed of myself, i knew a lot of the other people involved were spoiled brat suburbanites trying to work off their middle class guilt by clinging to self-righteous elitism, but i told myself i was different. apparently i was different enough to get scapegoated and ostracized, but not different enough to not have gotten mixed up with those assholes in the first place, and that definitely feels like my own delusional fault.

anyway thanks for the offer, im not sure what i "need" that you could provide? i need some friends but you're far away. if you ever wanted to punch my former housemates' faces in that would be great, but eh. i am going to school still for a technical profession rather than some pretentious humanities bullshit. working on music and on my relationships with my family and my girlfriend, who actually mean something to me and aren't just treating me as some kind of pawn in a political game.

how are you doing?


I haven't heard any of that bullshit dude....and for what its worth.... hearing it now doesn't change my perception of you. I noticed something shady about those cats from the jump but I was new on the scene and didn't want to make any assumptions....since spring semester I have witnessed their "elitist" ways and I had barely ever associated myself with any of them, it was just that obvious. I'm sorry to hear that they made up such horrible bullshit. You were always a good dude to me...hope all is well where ever you are.... and same stands true now as before..... if you need anything....let me know

Be safe


thanks very much man. i always thought the same of you as well.

i have emphatically quit radical politics. i gave it years of my life and all it gave me was bruises, a police record and a bad reputation. not fair but then again, that's life. really i'm mostly just embarrassed of myself, i knew a lot of the other people involved were spoiled brat suburbanites trying to work off their middle class guilt by clinging to self-righteous elitism, but i told myself i was different. apparently i was different enough to get scapegoated and ostracized, but not different enough to not have gotten mixed up with those assholes in the first place, and that definitely feels like my own delusional fault.

anyway thanks for the offer, im not sure what i "need" that you could provide? i need some friends but you're far away... if you ever wanted to punch in my former housemates' faces in that would be great, but eh. i am going to school still for a technical profession rather than some pretentious humanities bullshit. working on music and on my relationships with my family and my girlfriend, who actually mean something to me and aren't just treating me as some kind of pawn in a political game.

how are you doing?


I haven't heard any of that bullshit dude....and for what its worth.... hearing it now doesn't change my perception of you. I noticed something shady about those cats from the jump but I was new on the scene and didn't want to make any assumptions....since spring semester I have witnessed their "elitist" ways and I had barely ever associated myself with any of them, it was just that obvious. I'm sorry to hear that they made up such horrible bullshit. You were always a good dude to me...hope all is well where ever you are.... and same stands true now as before..... if you need anything....let me know

Be safe


I'm not sure what i could provide either....Cali is pretty far away from x for sure, i guess just knowing that you got a friend if you need one....that kinda shit doesn't concern itself with distance....radical politics and politics in general seems like a waste of time for anyone that has a genuine interest in the well being of a country of people that doesn't even care enough about themselves to be aware that there are problems.....and maybe that was our problem....caring about more then just ourselves.....it appears as if most of the people that do get involved with radical politics around here only do it because its the "in" thing to do....in my opinion that makes them no different from the whatever popular group that ridicules others to feel better about themselves....fuckin high school all over again....except for this is real life......i claim that I've quit politics as well, but i know that I'm lying to myself. like i said...i care too much....i just realized that maybe there is a better avenue in which to promote change....protesting, marching, tabling....fuck even voting...it's all bullshit....it's forcing people to see problems that they are trying their hardest to deny...that's the American way....denial. I'm not quite sure if the ineffable "avenue" that I'm going down is going to work, but it seems a lot better then any other method I've seen.....changing the world by changing yourself. yeah i know doesn't make much senses to me either, but neither does politics in this country....man I've seen so much fucked up shit and I've tried to give up all hope a million times before....but there is always something that perpetuates that feeling of hope....hope that things will change, hope that one day the fuckin idiots in this country will turn off their fucking televisions and think...fuck.... think about anything aside from jersey shore or american idol.....or whatever other brain melting bullshit that pollutes our lives.....i still have hope that people will pick up a book....or pick up a weapon...or pick up a friend and talk about what's going on in this country...something.....anything....i can't lose hope man....otherwise...what the fuck else do we have?

Fist In The Air In the land of Hypocrisy

be safe


no that makes total sense to me. And sorry to take so long writing back. You want my take on radical politics? Unfortunately I was an oh-so-typical foot soldier; a middle class drop out with delusions of moral grandeur; that is, if you can see that the world is fucked (and especially if you feel it personally on the level that you are benefiting from the fucked-upness of the world) than at least it doesn't cost you anything to feel like you are the "smartest guy in the room" and so you prop up your own sense of morality and righteousness by finding enemies to condemn as inhuman. You know, whether it's cops or capitalists or accused rapists, or whether it's Jews, or Muslims or whoever, god knows accusations of rape were the main justification for the epidemic of anti-Black lynchings in the U.S. south in the late 19th and early 20th century.

And now a bunch of Leninists want to claim that an anarchist rapist is the great enemy of the cause, right after anarchists derailed the so-called student movement on Mayday, into a generalized social revolutionary movement. Well go fucking figure. The really sad thing is how many people went along with them, how many people, who had trusted me to do all sorts of illegal shit with them, couldn't even trust me to hear me out for once. Just shows what a bunch of assholes they are, as far as I'm concerned, and i think it shows it's evident that they actually trusted my anti-authoritarian convictions (as far as I know who most of the people who attacked me are, where they live, where they work and definitely they all go to UCSC, etc) since that's actually the reason they were attacking me.

Anyway enough jibber jabber. Humanity is fucking stupid and that's about as far as my political reasoning takes me these days. The world is a mess and there is no utopia to be had through student occupations or through any other means whatsoever. Such is life.

So no i don't think you're fucked up or weird for saying what you said. I am pursuing x myself in hopes of having a normal, healthy, safe, sane and stable life near my family and near my girlfriend who i love. I don't remember exactly what you said you were going to school for but i hope you're doing well with it. I remember you said you wanted to have x someday and good luck with that! Say hi to x, x and whoever else if you see them and if they're down with me.

hey everyone from the 'radical' scene who was ever remotely sympathetic to me

but couldn't actually bring yourselves to stand up for me in any measurable way.

how would you feel about me posting your names and email addresses here so you can be 'accountable' to the sadistic, self-righteous, spoiled-brat bourgeois stalinist UCSC hipsters that some of you find so reasonable, that you can say, in proper newspeak, that they committed lynch mob violence, kidnapping and attempted torture in honor of their own agendas and it was "protective measures"?

yeah, what? you think i am happy being the only one on the hook here? why don't you step forward. i will post your names, email addresses, possibly phone numbers and what you said to me here unless you convince me why i shouldn't. then i won't be so alone. then you will have to deal with kommissars olivia rudolph, kyle thomas, angela yonker and all their little followers. you will be accounted for.

maybe you will grow half a brain, age past your early twenties and get past this stupid little self-delusional scene of middle class humanities-major brats addicted to their personal little thrill of feeling like the most moral people around.

i guess you all know how to get in touch with me.

also, read the post below, please.


each time i hear from any of my friends on the west coast it's followed by a longer and longer pause. and i can't help but wonder. the more paranoid thought, probably inaccurate but hard to shake with the wild sense of terror that has wormed its way firmly into my brain at this point in my life (you know, that you might as well be terrified because there is no proof that things in that universe don't always simply tend to be a lot worse than you'd feared): have they caved in to the groupthink with me? being part of a scene, swept up in a crowd, i know how easy it is. then again maybe not. the other thought is that maybe it's just too sad. maybe it's that we no longer have anything to talk about but these awful things, neither of us really want to. but i don't have many other people to talk to or much else to talk about.

i spent what could have been the best years of my life in a pathetic, don quixote-esque quest for utopia - or whatever you want to call it. all i got in return was a police record, some bruises, a bad reputation, bad tattoos, probably a damaged liver. everything else seems to be gone. i thought the world would catch me if i jumped; that was when i was too naive to realize it would be full of polluted waters, sharp obstacles, hard-to-escape eddies.

and now i'm washed up back where i was a decade ago, only i'm not the same person, only i don't have anyone to talk to about it. can you sort of picture what i mean? it's like being shipwrecked, marooned and partly amnesiac, this sense of dislocation with regard to time, space and experience. but it's not true, really. because there is also anger and hate and fear and betrayal and a deep deep sadness and i try to not think about it all. i wind up with very little to think about, staring off into the nothingness of a tv screen. except the sadness and the fear seep through, they fill my dreams and the space behind my waking thoughts.

i used to obsess constantly, like i said. now i'm getting better at walling it off. sometimes the door bursts off or i open it and today this thought rushed out at me. i don't know why i never followed this train of thought before, and i wonder if it occurred to you or anyone else. hear me out first before you decide i'm crazy. listen, the feds have a very well-documented history of infiltrating and disrupting radical groups and social movements. we're talking about programs run by people who have spent longer analyzing radical milieus than most people actually spend in them (late teens to mid-20s at most, usually). they at least have an objective approach to the social dynamics: how do they work and how to break them down? while people within them can be utterly blinded by social commitments. case in point, in the wild and violent years of the 60s and 70s infiltrators' favorite tactic was to finger radicals as informants themselves, to sow fear and provoke conflicts and divisions. i'm sure they know by now that while this kind of accusation is now taken very seriously, and not usually accepted without some form of proof, 99% of radicals take all accusations of sexism/rape/'assault'/etc at face value as part of their ideological stance.

i'm not saying this is entirely where the attack on me came from but i think it could explain some of the more utterly ridiculous lies going around about me. consider how i could have become such a target, or rather how santa cruz could have become a target. obviously, the radical scenes are entirely capable of generating their own controversies, the leftists and identity-politicians are well-known for grandstanding on them, and again, the feds know that. for example a similar and very bitter controversy marked the beginning of the end of the militant green anarchist scene in eugene in the early 00s. meanwhile santa cruz in a way became the new eugene, long before the occupations and may day, with its anarchist smashings, its animal rights arsons, rowdy campus protests threatening important investments, anarchists actually gaining some kind of social traction in the town, etc etc. we all know the feds have been around, in uniform, breaking down people's doors and such. but they don't always do their work in such an obvious way. anyone can spread a fucking rumor and if it involves a man being 'fucked up' in some sexual way, once again, the vast majority of college-age radical types will consider themselves honor bound to spread it unquestioningly.

it's really hard for me to know that even the people who like me and believe in me can't really be friends with me because this has polluted everything. it's hard to know that some of those people still hang around with people who used to be my friends, like tasha to name one specific example, who don't have anything to say to me but apparently are down with those little nazis that jumped me.

i don't really know what else to say. i wish i felt supported and safe. unfortunately the only person in the world who makes me feel that way is x. it's like i have to shut this door on this whole huge part of my life, and pray that i can keep it shut. there is such an embittering feeling of waste and uselessness about it all, it's hard to describe.


Maus, I don't believe the women who organized against abusive men are
cops, "leftists" or extreme. They organized to talk about systemic
conditions of male dominance in the scene/friend group. From that
perspective, specific people moreso than others can really tear apart
people's lives and friendships. You were targeted as one of those people.
From their perspective you are as good as a cop because you reinforced
the patriarchal concept of womens' vulnerability in your relationships. It
sounds like you disagree and say that because they took measures of
protection that they are cops/as good as cops. But what seems odd when
you say this is that when women were acting against you, you used the cops
to threaten them--reaffirming their belief that you would use systems of
patriarchal authority to keep women in line. To be honest, if it were
towards anyone I didn't know/like well I wouldn't need second thoughts.
(example: you were popular in the scene, and the women who personally
didn't like you thought of you as a dude-archist. when they collected and
all had these feelings from women's perspectives, there wasn't much on
your side).

Please do fun things and don't watch TV. I was watching a bad David Bowie
movie, I quote him: 'you can watch TV for hours and see all about life on
this planet, but never learn anything' i stopped watching there (it

Also to be honest, the people who organized collectively were my friends
and I intend to still be on good terms with them. I hear more and more of
people's accounts with you, and the stories aren't fun ones. When you
aggressively pose your point of view, and use peoples' emails to support
you (such as x with a poorly analyzed idea of the gender and
power dynamics in the group) people tend to hate you more. It's both the
content: of denying that women should organize the way they do, and the
form of doing so: aggressive, ad-hominem, etc)

I don't want to write public letters supporting you--I can't because I
can't support the way you've defended yourself since everything happened.
I think if you want people to support you, you're going to have to show
that you can communicate, that you can be responsible, that you can and
always do practice consent. (It became public that you admitted not
verifying consent 100% of the time on your blog). I don't know if the
people who dislike you now will always dislike you, but if there was a
mistake, I don't forsee any resolution until you and they are able to talk
again. Yelling through blog posts isn't really talking. I would suggest
making friends who are willing to be friends with you and work through
issues of rape and dudearchy, and not side with people who dismiss
accusations of rape. I suggest not getting on the bad sides of women,
queers, transfolk, etc, which means interacting privately and publicly in
ways that foster rather than break up community. I suggest eventually
issuing apologies & accept responsibility. (even if you don't think it
was your fault, you still have to deal with the consequences of
miscommunication or real violence attributed to you). I suggest all these
because if you're looking for people to be on the same side as you, you
should be looking at the people who take issue with you, not the
peripheries (not me, not a handfull of people who are/were on the fence
about militancy in women's organizing). I suggest this because if you do
not want to always be afraid of people coming to wherever you are to stomp
your head in, then you need to make amends with people who were offended.
They won't back down until there is some change in your attitude and it's
publicly known.

You really can't run away from problems you're a part of anymore. this is
the fucking internet era.

It's true, we tend to only talk about shitty things that happened. But I
care about my friends. I want to care about you, but it's hard hearing
how you've impacted them. This was really rambly, sorry.

And do fun things seriously, even if its just exercising and feeling good
that way. Things could have been a lot worse, ie permanent damage like
broken legs or something or jailtime if they weren't as direct. You're in
a better situation than you could have been. Start working from there.
Let me know if you think my ideas aren't accurate. I think you should
start from the earliest people you have (or are involved in) fucked up
socially/emotionally if you want your life condition to be different than
what sounds like constant mortal fear of the 'crazy bitch'.



i more or less expected this: that you've bowed to the pc regime dominant in your scene and your town. whatever.

as of my threat of calling the cops, it wasn't really *my* threat because the people involved were tying me with a chair with intent to torture me, you know, YOUR FRIENDS, who i had attempted to communicate with. after angela yonker was done pounding me in the face, you know, that woman who i had repeatedly tried to communicate with about how she felt about our interaction. yeah, i am a monster with no interest in accountability, if you believe them. yeah fucking right.

this was a political hit and no doubt about it. look who motivated it: angela and kyle, olivia, a bunch of fucking stalinists in their own words.

fuck them all and honestly fuck everyone who tries to escape their guilt about middle class privilege by attaching themselves to "radical" politics. fuck politics in general and fuck everyone who claims to be "organizing against" the general shittiness of modern life by creating mirror images of the dominant systems of oppression. but honestly that's all politics is, has ever been, is capitalizing off of images of identity (formed through affirmation or through oppression) and getting people to follow you and destroy your enemies. i predicted for months that reformists/leninists like olivia spelled doom for the student movement, and look what happened after mayday, when it crossed the line out of campus protest into actual revolutionary social movement.

look at your own tendency to drop out of the scene...

although i guess you've dropped back in, made "peace" with the group mind. good for you. i don't really want a damn thing to do with anyone who can't think for theirself and who spouts rhetoric and jargon. you are wrong, by the way, that i can't get away. i spent a great deal of energy getting involved with these funky little radical scenes. they see themselves as tremendously influential, but barely mean shit in the big picture. i live in a ghetto now and none of your precious little politicized, humanities major, middle class lily white friends would probably feel comfortable within 5 miles of where i spend most of my time.

anyway given that your'e still reading by this point, which i would imagine is highly unlikely, i would have thought the extremely fucked up and unnecessary way that they went about settling "their grievances" should have tipped you off that they were yet another bunch of spoiled brat, thrill seeking, self righteous assholes addicted to delusions of their own grandeur. if you expect me to see it some other way, you are talking to the wrong fucking person. you are talking to someone who wasn't nearly tied to a chair and tortured after making every good faith effort to communicate, to be accountable, and to settle differences with a bunch of orange county stuck up fucktards with delusions of grandeur, no ability to have a single real conversation like adults and no idea about real life. i think they're pathetic and i think so are you if you side with them.

and frankly all that aside i don't want anything to do with anyone affiliated in any way whatsoever with any "radical subculture". aside from feeling distinctly, as they like to say, "unsafe", it reminds me simply that i wasted years of my life being an utterly predictable, politicized, sensitive middle class radical 20-something. i hope you recognize that what all of you are doing is just what radical students have always done, is the same thing that brought lenin to power, is simply more grist in the mill of this civilization. if you care so much about revolution, read a fucking book and get a fucking grip. i don't have anything more to say to you and yours because i don't care about your fake utopia, and i just want to go on and have a normal, safe, sane and stable life, close to my family and to the partner that i love.

if you are really my friend that's one thing... if not, keep your politics and yourself far the fuck away from me, good luck feeling awesome about yourself, since that's really the whole point, isn't it.

also for christ's sake about threatening to call the cops, it got those cowardly assholes unnecessarily got up in ski masks (since i recognized nearly every one of them) to fucking leave. what happens when you traumatize, brutalize and torture someone? do you think that it really brings their best possible self to the fore? is that what olivia and her followers think? if so, how stupid are you all, really? don't you think if i wanted to snitch i would have already gone out and said a lot more about who they all are, where they live, where they work, where they go to school and what they were all doing during the occupations? give me a fucking break. you know i wouldn't do that and so do they. and i suspect they trust my anti-authoritarian principles BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY WHY THEY TARGETED ME.

"measures of protection"? can you honestly describe kindapping, lynch mob violence and attempted torture as that? fucking kill yourself if that's what you really believe.

and you want me to rewrite the past. that i "can and always have practiced consent". for christ's sake who invented this standard? if you are not 100% perfect at all times and in all situations you will be beaten and tortured. what about the fact that angela yonker brought me to her dorm room when we were both fucking wasted? it seems like my gender is the only thing that convicts me in this case. so where is this perfect person you are talking about? who has never done anything remotely wrong? no, it's really not about that! it's about my politics and about my standing as a convenient scapegoat and i think you fucking know it.

and i can't believe you think you can really make me believe i am really the only one responsible for this. i think your blatant embrace of groupthink says more than any of your mincing, equivocating little words would.

maybe i should forward these to the stalinist radical women and see what they have to think about you and your unorthodoxy.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

a clarification

i have this friend, female, very working class, non-hetero, very interested in anti-authoritarian and anti-capitalist ideas (particularly those to which i myself have been most partial in the past 2 years: tiqqun, dupont, perlman...). she has no interest, however, in getting involved with the radical milieu. without middle-class illusions of do-gooderism it's just that much easier for her to see it as the three-ring bullshit circus of self-serving rich kid guilt and histrionics.

a clarification indeed, that there was never anything behind it but invective, fabrications, and raw political ambition (of both the hard-headed 3rd-year marxist variety as well as the empty-headed liberal suburban do-gooder pseudo-anarchist variety); the hollowest of rhetorical devices employed by the same kind of people - leftist politicians - who will say and do absolutely anything for power. who speak of accountability while hiding their faces, who speak of community but abhor any in which they are not the police.

fencewalker - a term from the subculture of skinheads (didn't your cultural studies professors teach you to look up these etymologies?), a fitting shibboleth for a bunch of disgusting little fascists trying to portray themselves as any other kind of -ists. politics is politics, no matter on what scale. skinheads, like black blockers, like police, like leftist politicians calling themselves "radical women", can employ the device of uniform to create a collective anonymity which is by no means required to be liberatory.

to my friends and 'sympathizers', please stop drawing my attention to this sort of thing. a final clarification: i have nothing new to say about it, as the fascists in question have recently clarified that they don't either. please, the rhetoric reminds of listening to alanis morisette in 1992, when most of these little shits were being born, silver spoon and all.

besides, like my friend, i have no interest in anyone's fake-ass utopias or delusions of moral grandeur. like them, all i really have is a threat. but it's a promise: i have a 'shoot first, ask questions later' policy now. if anyone fucks with me, if anyone crosses my path who has been associated with this, they will get seriously fucked up. my available means of defending myself, and destroying you, are never far from my mind, or my hands. please rest assured that the trauma you have inflicted on me has made me certain to spare no effort and no expense making sure that should something happen again, i will be ready, i will not hesitate, i will fucking ruin you punk ass humanities majors and lifestyle rebels.

you should be proud at least of having made me this, since you have nothing else to be proud of.

and the rest of you, why don't you believe me? ties to your local authoritarian identity politicians and the 'anarchist' gossip mill to be honored first? maybe you think that the first time you called yourself that you became impervious to any authoritarian ruse? you want to believe that it happened in 1938 but it can't happen now. wake the fuck up, it is happening, you are not an anarchist and neither am i but at least i can admit it now. all we can ever be, do or dream is still just the shit of the millennia of this corrupt world. the profound entanglement of 'anti-authoritarians' with those who are explicitly our worst enemies is proof of this, if nothing else is.

people who think they know how to fix the world are just as bad as anyone else, only worse because they're more deluded, arrogant and hypocritical. the world is unfixable and you are a pretentious brat who deserves only the worst.

that is all.

Friday, September 3, 2010

since some people have been SO insistent that i need to respond to the "actual charges" (what were those, exactly? goldsteinism?) ... first, why i didn't already.

i don't want anything to do with the scene (yes, your politics are a scene, get over it) and don't want to be involved in some kind of back and forth. i also don't think i want to get into talking about the specific "charges" since there were none and more importantly because i think to take such thuggish politicians at their word is to play into the idea that there was something sincere or meaningful in this action. i'm sure there were some who thought of it that way, maybe all of them. but unconscious calculations and manipulations are still calculations and manipulations.

but since you ask. there is of course a doctrine that says there are two types of sexual encounter; one is 100% consensual, comfortable etc, the other is "assault" which is generally translated to mean "violent rape, by a male, of a female". of course this sounds ridiculous when put so simply but this perspective has so many partisans in the "radical" scenes because it is a mobilizing ideology for the standard-bearers of this particular ideology, it provides a polarizing and simplistic analysis of the really complex problems around sexuality, and in fact it reinforces a lot of patriarchal dogma - masculine as active principle, female as passive and helpless victim, etc. and of course, as i pointed out, accusations which by definition cannot be questioned are a perfect weapon of character assassination in anyone's hands. of course the fact that the "victims" (or rather "survivors") can mobilize such organized and juridical violence shows that their matriarchy is every bit as patriarchal as patriarchy. one shudders to think of the kind of society they would bring into being.

anyway the truth is that i have never intentionally aggressed upon anyone in a sexual manner. i have been involved in sexual situations that weren't 100% communicative and which one or more parties felt weird about later. this shit happens and if any of those kids were older than 19 they would probably have a fucking clue about it by now and would realize that grownups can have actual conversations about these things. anyway like i said, it was never of an intent to coerce or take advantage of anyone. i do not believe that i have ever been coercive. i have relied maybe too much on trying to read body language instead of asking 'is this okay, etc' with partners i didn't know well, and i have certainly learned better from that. that said i still think that what happened was a totally insane and disproportionate response that in its very form belies its ulterior motives. i have also found that some people simply don't like to communicate directly, and instead they blame someone else and bottle up their negative emotions until they have fermented and become very toxic.

apparently what happened in sc had specifically to do with a drunken one night stand i had with someone who was not happy to wake up with a bunch of hickies the next day. i apologized and this person said it was fine and we in fact remained friends for some time after that. (did we really?) so it's really not clear to me what i should have done differently at that point, when either she changed her mind retroactively or just deliberately miscommunicated to me (why?). another person's name was mentioned who was not consulted about the action, did not hear about it til after it happened and was completely horrified about it. so good job there.

and i did try to contact the "women's" group when i heard i was being discussed, with openness, with respect to their group and the idea of accountability. their response? only to expel the person who had told me because supposedly their deliberations were secret - although obviously a bunch of men had been made aware of it already - apparently the decision had already been made. covert authoritarianism par excellence.

so, i'm not a rapist, and if you're down with the rumor mill, then do us all a favor and fast-forward your cultish behavior to the group suicide phase. this was not about healing or fixing anything or fighting patriarchy. it was just some high school drama bullshit like your whole fucking 'movement'. politics without admitted politicians is still politics. people who call themselves whatever-ists still have party lines, leaders and scapegoats. no politics is good politics.

the people behind this deserve to have their homes invaded by insane masked vigilantes who kidnap and torture the shit out of them. no lie. the most perfect hell for hypocrites is to suffer what they have imposed on others. obsessing on revenge is unhealthy and unfit for rational adults - i'm sure that's a big part of where this came from given that the people involved, like most "radical students" and the like, are overly spoiled children. however prudent preparation is not, and anyone who comes at me again will have their blood shed - that is a promise. besides, i'm sure you can find some other scapegoats, probably a lot of guys who actually deserve it, hell we've all met or heard about them. most of them just had more friends than me.

if i had to pick one thing to be ashamed of, it would be that i wasted years of my life seeking friends among pretentious, spoiled, self-righteous, conceited children of the bourgeois who cloaked and channeled their ressentiment, guilt and other dysfunctions into ideological fervor that made them believe their self-important scenesterism and fucked up agendas were going to bring some kind of utopia.

grow the fuck up or kill yourselves. this is the last message, seriously. if you look below you will see some comments made by other people from the (now in decline) santa cruz radical student milieu who are unfortunately too terrified by the thug to put their name to any of their statements, but at least here you can see more than a one sided version or mine.
As if this world isn't shitty and oppressive enough already!... There has been a growing rift between the men and the women ever since what happened to you.... I find that most people are pessimistic about a strong mobilization around budget cuts this fall.

good job, assholes.
It is hard to express, in words, the terrifying way in which the so-called student movement began to dissolve and eat its young. I share your view that what happened to you was political. That you were scapegoated. I wasn't a part of any of the deliberations that led to your scapegoating. Nor was I a part of the official discussions among women about sexism. What I know was gathered from informal discussions with people who were largely peripheral to the whole thing. I've shared my opinion about it with you before. The women in our group -- many of whom are very young -- were not used to the sort of multiple partner intimacy that came along with intense political militancy and spending so much time together. While we were politically breaking down barriers, many people were breaking them down in their personal and intimate lives, which can be unsettling to those who are not very mature. What happened to you was fucked up, but the context in which it happened is important to keep in mind. There was indeed a lot of misguided idealism going around.

I told several people who I know were involved in some capacity in the plot that I thought it was suspect that one of the few active participants who was from a less privileged school had been targeted. I don't think this was an accident. The larger political militancy lost its focus and personal relationship problems became collective concerns. You were easy for people to single out because, in spite of what everyone said about there being no "outsiders" in our group, you were a student from another school. As fucked up as it is, I think that had something to do with you being targeted. I don't think there is some vast authoritarian sentiment lurking in the brains of people who once called you their friend and comrade. I think there is a lot of misplaced self-righteousness that is common to activist and anarchist milieus. That is the only way that I can possibly account for how so many people could engage in or tolerate vigilante-style reprisals.

I'm not sure that anything I, or anyone else who is still around santa cruz, could say that would give you a sense of closure about this terrible affair. Betrayals are truly nasty. I'm pretty sure this incident will shift people's alliances and put a damper on a lot of the starry-eyed idealism you talk about in your post. Dark days.

In the spirit of love and friendship,
A lot of people were left in the dark. A lot of people disagree about why there was no communication with you or with anyone else before an action happened. Still attempts at communication (ie a meeting we tried to have noon the day after your attack) were shut down by the 'womens group'. It feels a bit like a central discussion group which controls who else can talk outside the group. Kyle Thomas is a bastard, quick to assume, and makes me feel like shit whenever he talks to me. He offered to talk but in the most mocking sort of way.

Otherwise no discussions have happened yet. I don't know if it will, I want to see where things go with that. Everyone is hella angered about everything. And I'm basically waiting to see what the sides look like when it happens.

this and all following posts in italics are from sc radical student folks

Yo I feel you. Still no one has opened up. I don't feel too safe. Kyle Thomas has never treated me well, and I'm feel like he keeps an abusive personality that forces his peers down allowing him to rise as 'role model'. I daydream all day about slashing his bike tires. All these 'solutions' to problems seem to just echo trauma rather than allow anyone to get past them, something is fucked up there.

I've also been laying low on any 'radical' organizing, partly because school's out, partly because i have a full-time job right now, partly because i don't know what kind of ideas are going through the group right now. I don't know if i'm some kind of traitor for disagreeing with tactics. it's weird that all this (i thought) was intended to keep victims affairs private, but it came out so publicly, though still no one will talk formally.

from a sc radical student

Hey man,

I've been thinking a lot about what happened, but the details I've been able to glean are rather thin. I'm still not clear on what they did to you. I read your forwarded message, and it seems totally legit to be cautious and stay away from this fucked up santa cruz scene for a while. Purchasing a gun is, of course, your prerogative and all, but I don't think you have anything to be paranoid about where you're at now. Whatever threats you're still receiving are probably just people venting anger in fucked up ways.

I was talking with xxxxx about several recent "politicizations" of personal relationships: why these things are happening in NY and SC, etc. I'm sure it's no consolation to you, but I think understanding these dynamics might make it less senseless. In my own opinion, it seems like a lot of very pretty and very young girls were involved in the political actions of this past year. These girls tended to gravitate towards men who they thought were respected in the milieu -- yourself and others -- and probably became sexually involved because they calculated that they could gain some sort of position in the group, however unconscious such calculations may have been. It's a very normal thing and a much larger social phenomenon than the narrow confines of Santa Cruz. However, in the current context, many of these girls probably don't have much experience with that kind of sexual promiscuity, and it backfired because it didn't actually improve their standing in the group. It was probably more neutral than anything else. Some combination of naivety, misplaced anger and vague notions of patriarchal oppression led them to scapegoat members of the group who are easy to single out: you, Evan, perhaps others.

None of this means that what people have done isn't fucked up. So I don't want to imply that these actions are in any way "excusable." But they do seem rather explainable. I think you got caught in the cross-hairs of a politically charged, female "coming of age" moment. But again, my information is pretty limited. So anything you can share with me about the events would help me to formulate an effective response to the situation.

Stay well, buddy.

from an expelled former member of the "women's group"

"What I saw was the 'perfect storm' of activist frustration combined with an effective, vocal organizer displacing rage onto an easy target. Nowadays I feel mostly shame that I didn't do more to stop it..."

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


"The long sufferings under the Tsars were used in the same way and for the same purpose as the scalpings of white women and children had been used by Americans; they were used to organize people into fighting units, into embryos of the national army and the national police." -fredy perlman, on the continuing appeal of nationalism

the unavoidable conclusion: that anyone who has a "solution", who wants to "make the world a better place", is almost guaranteed to make it worse. the point is not to save the world, let it die. take it off the endless gratuitous life-support of our 'goodwill' which should be revealed for what it is: our addiction to present conditions, our inability to function outside its fundamental framework. hence the endless lists of plans for improvement which constitute the jurisidictional blueprints of so many vigilante, provisional forces controlling every breach like antibodies of domination. hence the inverse "slave" morality as a homeopathy for the possibility of amoral disorder; it provides the guns and badges from behind which the auxiliaries will reach even those that the state can't; and all the visionaries filling suggestion boxes with ideas on how to prolong the catastrophe of the economy [how to clean up the oil spill, etc]

this altruism, which appears even more special alongside the general evacuation of public social life, is nothing more than building the new world of domination inside the shell of the old. we have nothing to contribute to the world-historical pattern, nothing but whatever foot-dragging we can infect our structural roles with while holding onto whatever bit of sanity we can. a conscious force? please, all armies are the same. a community? what can we share but our own inhumanity? not much. ideological communities are probably the worst, the most plastic in terms of mystifying acts and even the link between act and thought [ie, the link "we are all humanities majors, at university, from suburban so cal", etc]. the secret motor, or at least the grease in the motors of fanaticism all through history: the history made always in this name of "bettering the world".

As a postscript I'd like to answer a question before it is asked. The question is: "Don't you think a descendant of oppressed people is better off as a supermarket manager or police chief?" My answer is another question: What concentration camp manager, national executioner or torturer is not a descendant of oppressed people? -f.p.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"an attempt to politicize" - this was a political assassination all along, just ask olivia egan-rudolph, the ringleader who has always said the word "anarchists" as though she were talking about feces.

"antipatriarchal jargon" to cover fucked up shit? i guess you're the experts. it is amazing, and appalling, how easily radicals can get away with calling for solidarities of race, gender etc without being called racist, sexist etc only adding maybe a dash of anti-somethingism. as if bigotry were a question of context and not an inherent logic. this is the rhetoric of zionism, of statist-feminism (well in this case it really is) and all other postmodern fascisms.

inflicting trauma is a "new form of accountability"? i guess your ignorance is as vast as your arrogance or maybe you'd recall that "an eye for an eye" is a line from the bible, that foundational text of patriarchy as we know it.

you are disgusting cowards and liars to boot. you worship violence and power like the cops you would love to be. you are not against the world, you are its foot soldiers.

while we're having this mature chat about accountability and playing name games, here are the names of a few people who participated in this. a few calculating organizers and a few more naive followers, i guess, isn't that always the way it is? anyway, bold young activists, secret judges, masked torturers who attack the defenseless in packs of ten, and gloat about it anonymously on the internet later, stand up and be counted for your bravery!

olivia egan-rudolph
angela yonker
kyle thomas
katie woolsey
katy tosh
kelli schall
kelsey berg

you are fascists. this is not a figurative statement and it is not annulled by your presumptive "anti-capitalism" (have we forgotten already what nazi is an acronym for or how mussolini got started?). you act like fascists, you are fascists. i know i'm not the only one who's been silenced or terrorized in this. have fun ruling the roost of the decomposing corpse of a worthless movement that was never going far anyway.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

p.s. to the p.m.

"with friends like you, who needs friends?" -rushmore

an extra-special 'fuck you; die' to my former housemates, not simply for backstabbing me in the most machiavellian way possible, but for expressing their heroic and radical anti-sexism by referring to my partner as 'that slut'. to you and the rest of the lynch mob, i wish every day that i could make you suffer a thousandfold what you have put us through already. it literally sickens me that you walk unharmed through the streets of your seaside idyll, exalting in the nobility of your dance party protests about the humanities department of your university.

"this isn't about politics, this is about you." oh, really? that would be a lot more believable if it wasn't coming from people who are involved in a very specific kind of politics whose ideas and methods prescribe the building of power structures on the basis of isms, identities and oppressions (see perlman's 'on the continuing appeal of nationalism' for a more in-depth analysis of this type of politics). or who objected so strenuously to the critique of identity politics and leftist recuperation, sometimes in fact of their very actions, which has appeared in this blog. in their mobilization of terroristic violence in the name of judgment and punishment, and conveniently in the service of a political purge, they have re-created the state in miniature. a police state which, just like the larger one, must seek out 'perpetrators' to punish in order to legitimize itself. this should have come as no surprise to anyone, least of all me, considering this is exactly what they openly intended from the beginning. and from the beginning i had concerns about being involved with such people; clearly not enough so.

speaking of which i would like to clarify something else; which is that while i do intend to maintain my distance from the anarchist movement (and, again, from all political movements), the anarchists i knew in santa cruz were by and large decent and reasonably intelligent people (although frequently possessed by a naive idealism) who had very little to do with any of these socialist scumbags. so i'm not talking about them. a number of 'anarchists' in the bay though had shown themselves to be little but a different breed of little lenins, so fuck them too.

anyway i suppose it's fitting that it would take an anti-authoritarian descendant of polish jews to point out that 1939 never ended, that left and right, bolsheviks and fascists, are nothing but two sides of the same despicable, authoritarian coin. you are not at all better, less capitalist, less sexist or less cop-like than the rest of this society - only more self-deluded.

let me say this as clearly as possible - since it's really the point - that although i cannot possibly inflict on you what you deserve (nor do i wish to be like you so that i might): provoke me again, fuck with those i love, even though it's manifestly no longer in your interest to do so (you can clearly find other targets, and probably already have; why not?) - but let me be clear, i can and will make things end badly for you as well. i know who you are, i know what you did, and so do you. let's leave it at that.

once again: fuck you, die.

and to everyone else who sat it out but hasn't had a damn thing to say to me since, fuck you for not really being my friends. 'we are your friends'? 'all friendship is political'? you hypocritical pieces of shit don't know the meaning of the word.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

post mortem

hey, in case anyone is still looking at this, here is what i have to say, nearly a year on.

i have resigned from all politics, 'radical' or otherwise, in disgust. (boo! sell-out!) whatever. there was a convergence of two factors: a growing personal toll and a sharpening sense of dissatisfaction with the paucity of both ideas and potential, a disinclination to play anymore don quixote games, that could only be put at bay so long by any series of new, sexy 'actions' or fairweather rebels.

what i know now is not different from what i knew before, it has only been beaten into my head by a longer string of appalling experiences. unfortunately, i have always apparently had a fondness for learning things the hard way, by attrition you might say. and this is in fact really what connects my personal experience to the bigger picture: because people are like this, not just me. people want to talk about communism and anarchy but rarely transform out of their conditioned roles as leaders, followers, workers, etc, simply because they are not conditioned to. it is too hard; all their experience teaches them otherwise. so we have little megaphone-wielding napoleons hopped up on self-righteousness leading their gangs of bright little idealistic peons, we have the even more self-righteous 'lumpen' dropouts hailing a 'nihilism' that is simply more intense and mindless activism (purely destructive) because apparently the mindless hard work of the activists wasn't mindless or hard enough for them. one of the most amazing things to me about the mercurial explosion of the 'cali student movement' is how so many people started out with this critique of 'activism' (which i sometimes prefer to call 'do-somethingism') and came completely 360 degrees with it. (one can only imagine what disgusting careerist capitalizations will be rationalized by the more explicitly authoritarian crowd, bolsheviks and identity politicians working on their academic tracks and NGO resumes.)

(another particularly embarrassing theme to note in hindsight is all the chest-beating about being the 'futureless youth in revolt' and comparisons to other times and places - as though the least objective reading of this wouldn't have turned up the equally obvious point that we were just students doing what radical students always do in capitalist societies, which is to pioneer new forms of politics, that is to say recuperation; and as if we all haven't always been fucking futureless and this too has yet to provide any particular widespread motivation to destroy capitalism. ah, and so i succumbed to the long tradition of anti-authoritarian entanglements with social movements which is so well known to always end badly...)

whatever, if this needs to be exposed any further it's probably pointless. read some dupont and maybe a little more tiqqun if you want to read politics. you will not find exhortations to start committees and blogs, to hoist banners, organize black blocs and the like. you will not find suggestions that the symptoms of struggle are to be confused with the unfolding of the dialectical processes which are really the only endgame in sight for capitalism. get a job and drag your feet, say dupont. plant a garden and get a gun, say tiqqun. fine advice. we cannot fight the flow of the world on our own, we need to live our lives or we become even more crazy than the 'norms'. the world is most likely totally fucked anyway.

as far as the personal allegations about me - since fuck it, some people who read this know who i am - fuck your gullibility, your scene and your game of telephone, and fuck the conniving, manipulative bolshevik snakes who orchestrated this show of thuggery. why is it that certain keywords like 'patriarchy' allow people to forget everything we know about the authoritarian left? was it not under the similar magic word of 'anti-fascism' that anti-authoritarian militia units were sent to the slaughter by the soviet-controlled republican army in spain? under 'anti-imperialism' that the anti-war bureaucrats have secured support for any number of nationalist gangsters and tyrants? isn't this exactly why they say these words; isn't it reason enough? since their whole ideology and methodology dictates that their first duty is the leashing of radical 'uncontrollables'. 'anarchists must say what only anarchists can say', as dupont have eloquently pointed out, and equally eloquently how disappointingly rare this is. too often we only toe the lines set up by our supposed 'comrades' who are actually our worst enemies, who take us more seriously than we take ourselves. as some looked to expand the struggle outside of the schools, others looked to purge internal 'enemies'. anarchists thrash downtown, an anarchist is beaten by 'feminist' authoritarian marxists. you figure it the fuck out.

anyway, i just used a first person pronoun regarding anarchists, and i guess i philosophically retain a lot of the same views, but i emphatically insist on cutting my ties to any movement, any ism. all 'radical movements' existing within capitalism are symptoms of capitalism and fully contained within its logic; they are only more delusional than most components of the machine, whose only 'revolution' will be the ultimate material failure of the machine itself. this is why i've decided to return to life as a 'private citizen', as a truly autonomous, invisible, whatever. good luck tyrannizing or rioting your way to utopia. my utopia, to paraphrase welcome the plague year, will to be surround myself with the ones i love and hope for the best.

to my friends, you know where to find me. to my enemies, you will most likely never find me, and if you do you will wish you hadn't. it's not in your interest anyway since we no longer have a common field of life and action. good bye.